


More than a feeling

by legolastariel



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Fix-it story for Richonne, Heart-to-Heart, Heartache, Rickyl forever! :-), Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 11:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legolastariel/pseuds/legolastariel
Summary: Set after the S7 finale.Daryl is planning to leave Alexandria and Rick cannot understand why he feels this is something he must do."I can’t live like this. Ain’t used ta it no more.”“Not used to what?” Rick hardly dared ask.“Being … redundant. Useless. Nobody needs me here. When I first met ya, Rick, you and I … we sorta needed each other. But not anymore. Things have changed.”With Michonne by Rick's side now, Daryl feels like a fifth wheel, thinking Rick moved on without him. They are having a heart-to-heart talk and then Rick tells him something that changes everything and has Daryl understand that there ismorethan a feeling.





	More than a feeling

**Author's Note:**

> I usually write Rickyl and, I'm sorry, it's no secret that I hate Richonne (note, not Michonne, just the pairing).  
> This story was born from my recent extreme frustration over what they are doing to my fav TV show and the wonderful bromance. I fear that the showrunners will be unable to manage the balance act with that Rick-Daryl-Michonne triangle and their solution might be separation once again. Might just as well be that Daryl will go to the Hilltop with Maggie and S8 will see hardly no Rickyl again. 
> 
> Maybe I'm wrong ... I HOPE I'm wrong, but I had to write this story to have something in the back of my mind that might make the canon stuff bearable.
> 
>  
> 
> Unbeta'ed, sorry.

_** More than a feeling ** _

 

       “Double-crossing bastards!”

Furious, hateful curses like that sounded through Alexandria’s church, causing Gabriel to say more than one silent prayer for forgiveness, while the leaders of all three communities and their _inner circles_ gathered for a meeting. 

Things hadn’t gone down as planned in the least and this must have been the shortest offense in history. It hadn’t been a total disaster thanks to the cavalry showing up right in time, but they had lost the element of surprise and one didn’t have to be a genius to know that the Saviors were going to take revenge. Soon.

The avalanche they had set off was in motion and there was no stopping it, but victory wouldn’t be achieved as easily and quickly as they had hoped. 

They had to plan their strategies, has to strike back first to have any chance at all. Without the Scavengers their numbers were way fewer than they had estimated, and after those _double-crossing bastards_ had shown their true face matters were even more dire than expected. Those weren’t just traitors, those were mercenaries. They had no code, no honor, no higher goal – they would side with whoever paid the most and from that looks of it, that was the Saviors.   
The communities were likely to have them _and_ those filthy garbage people against them.  

Rick let his eyes run tiredly over the assembled group and despite the serious situation a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth for a moment.  
He had done that several times over the past years – take a look at his family, his people and indulge in the warm feeling that spread through his entire body each time.   
He was grateful for every single one who was still alive, fought by his side, gave him a reason to move on and not give up the fight. They were the _good_ in this world that was totally worth every sacrifice.   
It had always been an _odd_ group. Individuals with completely different backgrounds and personalities, who probably wouldn’t even have talked to each other in the old world, had leaned to work together, appreciate, respect, even love one another and were now a family, a unit.   
When they had first arrived in Alexandria, it had been _them_ and _us_ for a long time, but by now the lines had blurred.   
Rick looked to King Ezekiel, who was standing to his right talking to the good-natured and undauntedly optimistic Jerry. Right behind them, Shiva in their middle, Carol and Morgan leaned against a wall and silently observed the gathered people. 

Carol. She used to be part of _the group_ , but these days Rick wasn’t so sure anymore if he could still count her in. She had left, had tried to find another way, _her_ way, and whatever she had been looking for, she apparently found it in the Kingdom. It was unlikely for her to return.

Same as Maggie, who stood on his other side. She was the leader of Hilltop now and had found her place there along with Enid. From what Jesus had told him, she was highly respected and the best thing that could ever have happened to that community. Not that Rick had ever had any doubts that she would be – he had seen her potential long before she had realized it herself and if he was honest to himself, he considered her to be the better leader of the two of them. She kept a level head at all times, while he let his male ego get in the way too often. He was aware of that. There was a thin line between self-confidence and arrogance and while she stayed well within the boundries, he went way beyond that line often enough. 

With a sigh Rick made a soothing gesture with his hands to have people calm down and give him a chance to speak. It had been a long, shitty day and the shot wound Jadis had inflicted on him was stinging and burning in turns and had him grit his teeth.   
But Rosita and Michonne, they weren’t any better off than he was, yet they were here. When Carl had informed Michonne about the meeting she had insisted to join, same as Rosita, and if those two ladies had the strength and willpower to go on, he’d be damned not to. Male ego. 

Rosita and Tara were sitting next to each other in the front row, same as Michonne, Carl and Enid. Rick let his eyes wander over the faces that were turned his way expectantly.   
Aaron. He was probably the best example on how the lines had blurred, how _them_ and _us_ had seized to exist and became a whole. Rick respected and liked the gentle and calm man and had long since started to see a friend and confident in him. Eric was there, too, same as Gabriel and Jesus and the church seemed to be crowded, but too many faces were missing.  
Glenn, Abraham, Sasha … he didn’t allow himself to include all those who had never even made it to Alexandria. The list grew longer and longer and Rick couldn’t help gritting his teeth.

They had to win. This had to end. He couldn’t lose anyone else.

His eyes darted to a lone figure sitting in one of the benches a little further in back and Rick felt his heart rate instantly calm when he met Daryl’s familiar shadow blue eyes. 

Maybe it was just his imagination, maybe it was just what his conscience was playing in his head, but he thought he saw a silent accusation in each and every pair of eyes looking at him.  
_ How could you trust those Scavengers? How could you let total strangers in on our plans without checking first who they were and whose side they were on?  _  
Each pair of eyes, except Daryl’s. 

       “We need to fight back.”

Reluctantly Rick averted his eyes from Daryl to look at Rosita and saw a grim determination on the Latina’s face.

       “We will”, he replied with a nod. 

       “And it needs to be soon”, Maggie added while casting him a sideglance. “Negan is not gonna give us the time to gather our strength, find new allies, strike first …”  
        
       “But we’ve got to”, Tara protested. “Find new allies first of all. The Saviors outnumber our communities and if they have those pricks on their side, too …”

       “We don’t know that”, Maggie cut in, but Carl replied instantly:

       “It’s likely though. I’ve been in the Sanctuary.” He pointed to Daryl. “Daryl was there, too, and we’ve seen how they live, all the stuff they got. It sure is enough to _convince_ venal bastards like the Scavengers to fight on their side.”

Rick gave a cut nod before turning to the archer.

       “Do you still trust Dwight?” 

       “We should have killed him”, Tara said furiously, but was silenced by a stern glance from Rick that send a clear message:

       _I was talking to Daryl._

For a moment it was so quiet in the church that one could have heard a pin drop, while everybody waited for the archer’s reply.   
Daryl’s jaw muscles were visibly working while he gritted his teeth, thinking about the question. It was easy to let fury and hate take over and drown out the voice deep down inside that he had listened to for the longest time. It had never failed him entirely and right now it was almost screaming to be heard.

After another breathless moment he said:

       “Yeah.” He ignored Tara’s frustrated snort. “Left me a message that he didn’t know.”

       “And you believe him?” the young woman spat.

Daryl’s eyes were piercing when he looked at her.

       “I got more reasons ta hate that sonuvabitch than you do. But ya don’t know what I know and ya ain’t seen what I have and, yeah, despite all he’s done I believe him.”

       “Good”, Rick’s voice sounded from the front of the room. “If Daryl trusts him, so should we.”

He cast his friend a quick glance before adding:

       “We need to get in touch and _stay_ in touch with Dwight. If there’s anyone able to give us information and let us in on Negan’s plans, it’s him.”

       “If he _knows_ anymore than the last time”, Tara muttered, but everybody was able to hear her nevertheless.

       “Whadda ya want?” Daryl snapped suddenly. “If ma word ain’t good enough for ya, fine, no one’s forcin’ ya ta trust me. Got a better plan, then let’s hear it!”

Her head wipped around and with a stinging sensation in her eyes she stared at the archer, while he held her look without so much as blinking. Before anyone could say anything to end this silent battle, he croaked out:

       “Luved her, too, Tara. When the war‘s over and we both still wanna see ‘im dead, ‘m gonna kill ‘im. But for now we need ‘im. No. 1 target’s Negan.”

A tear ran down her cheek, but at the same time the ghost of a smile flashed over her pretty face. 

       “Deal.” She turned around to Rick. “But we need more people. Lemme go back to Oceanside and talk to Natania again. I know most of the women there want to fight with us, we just need to pursuade her.”

       “Or have them join us no matter what she says”, Michonne cut in. 

Tara looked at her and nodded. She wasn’t surprised Michonne would make that suggestion – she had always been an independent woman and wasn’t a fan of people who needed anyone’s allowance or approval first to do what they thought was right. She had never been much of a team player although she had changed in that respect recently. Maybe being with Rick had made her think more in terms of “we” than “I”, but when it came to doing what needed to be done nobody’s ‘no’ would ever stop her.   
Tara wondered if Rick was aware of that. Or if maybe Michonne had changed more than she knew, which would be a pity. Deep down inside Tara had always admired the black woman’s free spirit. 

       “I’d rather have Natania’s approval”,  Rick said and again Tara was not surprised about the reply. 

Of course he wouldn’t appreciate people going against their leader’s decision. He had never said a word about it, but seeing some of his own people – first of all his own son and girlfriend – take matters into their own hands behind his back while he was still kneeling to Negan, must have hit him to the core. 

       “I’ll do my best”, Tara promised and saw Rick give an approving nod.

       “‘m gonna go with her.”

Every pair of eyes was on Daryl the next moment and again it was deadly quiet for a moment.

       “Daryl”, Rick said gently, “staring Natania into submission is unlikely to work. But I agree that Tara shouldn’t go alone.”   
He looked at Rosita.  
       “Do you feel up to joining her?”

       “Sure.”

       “Why her ‘n’ not me?” Daryl’s question came in the usual grumpy inflection.

       “Because these women there have lost all their men – their husbands, sons, brothers – and they don’t trust easily. They may be more inclined to talk to a woman and both Tara and Rosita … they have … well, they are …”

       “We lost someone, too”, Rosita cut in with a grim expression, casting Rick a challenging look not to treat them like whimpy little girls. 

       “Alright, then it’s settled”, Alexandria’s leader said. “You best leave first thing in the morning.”  
        
       “We should all head back”, Maggie added determinedly. “The Kingdom and Hilltop – they need to be warned. The Saviors could attack either one at any given moment and they don’t even know how things went down here. The people we left behind are entirely unprepared and don’t stand a chance alone.”

       “None of the communities stands a chance alone”, Ezekiel added. “As of now, we are at war and must expect the Saviors to attack each community – one by one or simultaneously. Best chance we have is to gather all our people in one place, so we’ve got our strength combined.”

Carol, who stood closest to Daryl, thought she heard him mutter “Helluva crowd” and had to suppress a smirk despite the tension in the room, when Jesus cut in:

       “I agree with Ezekiel, but we should postpone further planning. Maggie is right – our people need to be warned first of all and the communities have to take precautions while we wait for the Oceanside’s decision.”

       “We gonna have to fight, whether they are with us or not”, Aaron said calmly and as so many times before Rick wondered if there was anything at all that had this man lose his calm. 

The three leaders gave a nod to their people and thus wordlessly declared this meeting to be completed for the time being. The first ones were rising and heading to the door, when Daryl turned to Maggie and said:

       “’m gonna go to Hilltop with ya.”

The young woman exchanged a surprised glance with Jesus, before she said:

       “You’re welcome to, but why …”

       “They got enough people here. Hilltop’s a li’l short and I showed each a’ ‘em greenhorns here how ta shoot a crossbow or bow – maybe ya need someone over there ta teach ‘em Hilltop peeps? ‘sides – Li’l Asskicker’s still over there.”  

Maggie looked at the archer with wide eyes for a long, quiet moment.   
Only few days ago, when he had left the Kingdom and had showed up at the Hilltop’s gate, he had taught the residents of her community how to use a crossbow as well as bow and arrows.   
Maybe he had volunteered for shooting lessons to do his share and because he knew that barely anyone was as good at wielding those weapons as he was. And maybe it had been a way to avoid her back then.   
Either way – those people weren’t dumb and he knew that. They just needed practice, but showing them _again_ was not necessary. He was a patient and skilled teacher and had explained every move calmly several times until even the slowest of his students had caught on. They were set.  
And Judith was well taken care of. He was wonderful with the little girl and she would always be special to him and vice versa, but surely he had no doubt about Maggie leaving her to the best of care while Judy was at the Hilltop. So why …?

       “Daryl?” Rick’s voice next to her derailed her train of thought. “Can I talk to you, please? Outside.”

With a frown Maggie noticed how Daryl stared at the tips of his shoes instead of meeting Rick’s eyes, but after a moment he gave a wordless nod.   
The two men left the church through the backdoor and as soon as they were out of sight, Maggie and Jesus’ eyes met. The young man shrugged in a “Your guess is as good as mine” gesture and when Maggie cast a glance to Carol, she saw her look after Rick and Daryl with a puzzled expression on her face as well.  
Something was going on, but apparently nobody knew what it was. And it was probably nobody’s business, either. Those two had always solved probems between themselves and probably weren’t going to stop today. 

As soon as they were outside and stood behind Alexandria’s church, Rick cocked his head and cast Daryl a probing glance. 

       “You alright?” he asked gently, while the older man still would not meet his eyes.

Daryl just nodded wordlessly and Rick could barely refrain from sighing. He felt caught in a déjà-vu, as though this exact same scenario had occurred countless times before.  
Still. After all this time. From one moment to the next Daryl would close up like a clam and wrap himself in a protective blanket of silence when something was bothering him, as though his deadpan and keeping his thoughts and emotions locked up was a shield. And maybe it was.   
After all they had been through, after how far they had come – why did Daryl still react that way? Why didn’t he just come to him, share his worries or sorrow? Rick had seen his tears and anger and frustration more than once – there was no need to hide anything from him. Unless …

       “Is it something I said?” the leader asked cautiously. “Did I do something wrong?” 

Another moment of silence passed before Daryl returned an uncommunicative: “Nah.”

This time Rick did sigh.

       “Daryl, please, look at me.”

Reluctantly the shadow blue eyes were raised and met his.

       “What’s the matter?” Rick said calmly. “First you offer to go with Tara, then you want to head back to Hilltop. You wanna leave?” 

He saw a reaction in Daryl’s eyes and the archer blinked rapidly twice before he answered:

       “Don’t want to. But I gotta.”

The reply stunned Rick for a moment.

       “Why?”  

       “Cause … cause … “, Daryl swallowed thickly, “cause I can’t live like this. Ain’t used ta it no more.”

Azure blue eyes widened.

       “Not used to what?” Rick hardly dared ask.   

Daryl lowered his eyes again and stared ahead of himself for a moment, before replying barely audibly:

       “Being … redundant. Useless. Nobody needs me here.”

Rick gasped and felt as though he had been punched in the guts. This was about the last thing he would have expected to hear from his friend. And it was about the only thing he had never _wanted_ to hear from him. It was as though they had just made a relapse into a time long gone when Daryl used to think that no one would look to him for anything. 

       “How can you say that?” Rick croaked out. “It’s not true and you know it. Of course we need you here.”

       _We._

       “Yeah? For what? Sentry duty? Going on runs? Scrubbing the toilets?”   
His inflection was sarcastic.  
“Ya got enough people for that. Goin’ with Tara or to Hilltop … least I wouldn’t be a fifth wheel no more.”

Unexpectedly he turned on his heels and took a few steps away from Rick, while the younger man stared after him with wide eyes. Fifth wheel … It started to dawn on him what this was really all about.  
He hurried after the archer and stopped him with a hand on the shoulder. 

       “I get it”, he said softly. “It’s not Alexandria you want to leave, right? – It’s me.”

Daryl’s head whipped around and he stared at the younger man teary-eyed, before quickly looking away again.

       “’s like I said – don’t wanna. Got to.” 

       “But why? I don’t understand …”

       “Rick, when I first met ya I had a jackass of a brother ‘n’ forty years experience with people hatin’ Dixons, thinkin’ they was good for nothin’. Ya was the first person ever ta care for what I thought, what I felt. Ya trusted me. Ain’t nobody ever done that before. – Ya had a jackass of a friend back then ‘n’ a wife who couldn’t take care a’ herself, let alone anyone else. So you and I … we sorta needed each other.”

He breathed in deep before he croaked out: 

       “But not anymore. Things have changed.” 

       “Why do you say that?”

       “Cause it’s true. – Ya got Michonne now.”

Rick opened his mouth to protest, but Daryl was faster and picked up again. 

       “I don’t blame ya. I get why you’d choose her. She can take care a’ herself and has yer back –  in close combat the Katana’s even more effective than ma crossbow, I guess. And if ya need someone ta talk to … she’s better with words than me, got better eduction …”

       “But she doesn’t have your sixth sense, your sensibility, your ability to see through people.”

       “Maybe. But she’s smart – her wits can make up for that. Besides … know ya luv her. She’s got so much more ta give, so … I’d only be in the way.”

       “Daryl …

       “Don’t get me wrong – ’m happy for ya. Both a’ ya. I just gotta find a place for maself and it ain’t here. 

Rick’s mouth had slightly gapped open and he was at a lack for words for a moment, which didn’t happen often. Maybe the chance of his throat closing up and his thoughts being a confusing chaos increased with the importance of the matter at stake. 

       “I think it’s great that you want to support Maggie, be there for her”, he finally said gently.  
“I know you still blame yourself for Glenn’s death … just like me. We will never put this behind us. It’s gonna be a part of our life for as long as we live. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your help and if going to Hilltop is what you truly wanna do, than you should. But I don’t want you to leave just because you think I wouldn’t need you.”

He took a step closer to Daryl and placed a hand gently on his shoulder.

       “You’re wrong.”

The archer lifted his head and looked at him with a surprised frown and for a moment there they just looked each other in the eyes quietly, while Rick was searching for the right words. 

       “I love Michonne, yes. But I love Carl and Judith, too. Everyone of our family. –  You first of all. There’s different ways to love and neither is more meaningful or stronger than the other. But … love … No matter how wonderful, fulfilling and important it is, fact is, it’s no more than a feeling.”

Daryl’s frown increased and Rick could tell that what he really meant to say didn’t come across at all. With a helpless sigh he ran both hands through his curls and started pacing. 

       “What I’m trying to tell you is … feelings are fleeting, they change. When Lori and I got married we thought our love for each other would never fade, would always be just as strong, but fact is – even if she hadn’t died, I doubt we would have stayed together. We had lots of wonderful years together and I was devastated when she died, but … I got back on my feet and went on. Same with Jessie. It was just a crush that could have evolved into something more and I was sad when she was gone, but it didn’t break me. And just the other day I told Michonne that I could live without her, and I’m sure I could. She means a lot, yes, but no feeling lasts forever.”

          “Ain’t true, man.“ The blue of Daryl’s eyes had darkened and although he tried to keep a straight face Rick’s words had obviously upset him.   
       “There’s people in ‘em silly romance novels stayin’ together all a’ their lives. And even though I know shit about relationships, I know there’s people who can’t live without that one special person in their life. And they feel just as strongly for ‘em at the end a’ their life than they did the day they first met ‘em.”

Rick looked at the archer calmly and felt a warm feeling spread through his veins. Was Daryl really just talking about _people_ in general, or was he talking about himself, convinced that what he felt for his _special person_ would last for a lifetime?

The older man’s next words were said so softly that they were barely audible, but they ended Rick’s train of thought instantly.

       “Sorry ya don’t believe in forever, Rick.” 

He turned away as though he meant to leave and Rick got hold of his wrist quickly to stop him. 

       “I do”, he replied gently.

Daryl had stopped and didn’t make a move to leave any longer, but he wouldn’t look up to meet his friend’s eyes, either.   
Rick’s thoughts were racing. He had to make Daryl understand, _see_ what he was obviously not seeing yet and Rick had better find the right words fast before the archer would leave without knowing what he had to know.   
They had started a war today and this might just as well have been Rick’s last chance to tell him.

       “Remember back in that barn before we came to Alexandria I told you about my grandfather, who fought the Germans in World War II. He had horrible stories to share about the war and I recall asking him one day why he kept on fighting. Why he never gave up so it was over. And he said that he was always thinking about his special someone back home and how those thoughts gave him strength and hope and a _reason_ to go on fighting. That someone was my grandma and they stayed happily married till they passed away, but pop told me the reason why people stayed devoted to each other all their life wasn’t just love – it was that special bond that happens once in a lifetime, if we’re lucky. He said there was one person who completed us, who held the other half of our soul, knew us better than we know ourselves. They are our _everything_ and it doesn’t necessarily have to be the one you’re married to or in a relationship with. It could just as well be a sibling, any other relative or … your best friend. And that bond is stronger and goes way beyond any feeling – it’s unbreakable. And infinite.”

He swallowed against the raspy sensation in his throat.

       “I do believe in forever, Daryl.” 

It was deadly quiet for a moment, while the two men just stood next to each other, Daryl staring at the ground without really seeing anything though and Rick with his hand still on the archer’s wrist, holding his breath while he waited for an answer.  
       Finally Daryl lifted his head and turned around to him.   
For another moment they just looked each other deep in the eyes. Then they pulled the other into a tight embrace just the way they had done only few days back when they had finally been reunited.

       “I might stay with Michonne till I die and maybe there’ll be someone new. Time will tell”, Rick whispered into the archer’s ear.   
“But one thing will never change – _you_ are the most important person in my life and the one I cannot live without. So don’t ever think I wouldn’t need you, because in fact you are the _only_ one I need.”

Rick turned his head and placed a kiss on Daryl’s hair, while the archer buried his face in the crook of Rick’s neck. They stayed like this for several minutes, unmoving and silent, hugging each other tight while a myriad of thoughts and emotions were bouncing back and forth between them. 

       “When yer grandpa was in war captivity, did he ever mention that he felt like he wasn’t alone in there?”

Rick nodded and heard Daryl let out his breath the same moment.

       “Yeah”, the archer said quietly, “I think I know how he felt.”   

He hugged his friend close one more time, before releasing him and taking a step back. For the length of a heartbeat the two men just looked at each other before a smile spread over either face.

       “You still wanna head to the Hilltop?” Rick asked cautiously.

       “Thinking about it, yeah. We owe Maggie and maybe … maybe if I’m there for her I can make up a little for … ya know … Glenn not being there.”

With a sigh Rick nodded and pressed his lips together for a moment.

       “Wish I could go with you.”

       “Ya don’t have ta”, Daryl said softly. “’s like ya said – we’re one. Wherever I go, ‘m gonna take ya with me.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Rick’s lips.

       “That’s quite poetic, Daryl.”

       “Yer makin’ fun a’ me, Grimes, the other half a’ yer soul’s gonna smack ya up the side a’ yer head. Just so ya know.” 

The younger man burst out laughing and shook his head about that reply.

       “Michonne is one step ahead of you there”, he said with a smirk, recalling how his girlfriend had knocked him unconscious a while back when he was acting way over the top.

Daryl looked at him with his usual deadpan and didn’t reply. He just nodded his head toward the church, prompting Rick to accompany him back to the others.   
They walked side by side as so many times before and unseen to the younger man the ghost of a smile flashed across Daryl’s face. He pulled the door open and let Rick enter the church first, before he followed a step behind him. The smile on his face widened as he watched his friend secretly and his heart grew lighter with each step they took together.

       _“Michonne may be one step ahead a’ me in more than one respect, Rick Grimes. But eventually I might catch up. After all – you and I, we’ve got forever.”_

**Author's Note:**

> There is a sequel to this, if you feel there needs to be _more_ :
> 
> Judgement Day  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/10879710


End file.
